PK: An Unwanted Disappointment

So PK. A strange man from a foreign land comes to a new place and for some reason, he cannot go back home. Initially, he struggles. He doesn’t know the language. He learns the language. He speaks it funny, but hey! He learns it. He finds the new place funny. The workings of the new place are alien to him, but somehow he figures his way around it. He starts earning and people start liking him as his ways of working are novel and has a lot of heart. In the process, he wins the heart of this pretty girl. He doesn’t get the girl, but that’s okay. Our man has a bigger cause to work for. In the end, he beats the villain who was making his life hard and goes back to doing his shit! Nice story. Really sweet. Except it is the entire premise of Steven Spielberg’s The Terminal!

Yep! This is The Terminal with a few changes! The country of Krakozhia from The Terminal is a random planet in the universe, The Airport Terminal of JFK, New York is All of India, The American Dream is replaced by India Shining! And finally, Tom Hanks with Aamir Khan. But trust Aamir Khan to make sure that the last change is not so big: His character of PK is nothing but that of Forrest Gump. They even look the same.

Haila! 

So, PK is Forrest Gump in The Terminal in India.

Now, here is my problem with the movie. There is nothing new! It’s a Rajkumar Hirani film. You expect it to really blow your mind off and be really awesome! Look at his legacy. Munnabhai MBBS started a whole new side of Indian Cinema. Lage Raho Munnabhai really upped the ante and 3 Idiots- sure it was a Chetan Bhagat book adaptation- but it made Five Point Someone something else altogether. It had so much life. But PK is just a social monologue. It has its moments. Aamir’s ‘inspired’ performance is amazing. It is funny when it has to be. But this should have been a short film and Vidhu Vinod Chopra should have used his FTII brains and done exactly that. It would have been ground breaking for Indian Cinema and who knows, the genre of short films might have just picked off. But these guys are extremely myopic in nature and fail to see the bigger picture and in the process we are forced to shell out 200 bucks for a fuck that has a disappointing happy ending.

Someone once said: A new director is as good as his second film. But shit goes wrong after the third or the fourth movie. They run out of ideas and eventually, they end up making a movie that is a compilation of their best work. They become repetitive. This is a problem of all good directors. Look at Bhansali, Raam-Leela was just a mashup of all his other movies. PK is a mashup of all Rajkumar Hirani Movies. He picked up themes from all his movies and made this. In Lage Raho Munnabhai, the ending has the guy playing Tapasvi playing a very similar role and that got magnified and was turned into this. Instead of the radio station, we have a TV channel. The crazy, inquisitive Rancho from 3 Idiots is PK in PK. It’s the same shit sold to us again and again. Now, guys please! Buck up! Don’t do this to Indian Cinema.

On one end, there are brilliant directors like Vishal Bharadwaj who very rarely fail to perform and then there are the Hirani’s and Bhansali’s who just lose plot. This is something that keeps bothering me. Indian Cinema is just getting disappointing by the day. Hardcore Rajni fans were disappointed with Lingaa. (You are welcome, Diwakar for that subtle branding). I don’t remember the last Indian movie I thoroughly enjoyed. Sure, there are people possibly trying to make good movies like Kashyap, but I am not hopeful. Not anymore. No after PK. Hirani was one guy who could make a movie entertaining and engaging at the same time. Munnabhai MBBS was not a social issue based movie. It became one and then Hirani just ended up selling what was expected of him: Funny movies with a social message.

No, Hirani.. you are better than that.

Perceptive Dissonance

The problem with perception is that it destroys the binary of reality. The wall between the right and wrong is so subtly annihilated that eventually the man is not left with a choice but is stranded in the crowd of greys. Objectivity is slowly receding into a misnomer. It was believed that to attain a sense of objectivity the person involved should look at both the sides of the argument. But the question in front of us right now is: Are there are only two sides to look at? Each side will have so many facets, so many dimensions. Opening each door of every side leads to more locked doors and finally it will be established that objectivity is an orbital space. Heisenberg’s Principle of Uncertainty tells us that at any given moment of time we can be accurate about only one thing: Either the location of the electron or the speed of the electron. The more accurate we get of one factor, the less accurate does the measure of the other become. The more detailed we try to get about one of the factors, we start losing the reality of the other. We can never be truly objective, there will always be an inclination- small as it can ever be- but an inclination nonetheless. 

Just Because

Based on Heisenberg’s Principle of Uncertainty, the electron can only be predicted to be in an assumed space: This is the sphere and the electron can be found anywhere within that sphere. Objectivity is also found in that sphere. Most of us understand that objectivity can be found in a sphere and its position can vary based on the point of view of the observer. But what has been lost on us is that the size and position of the sphere is dynamic. So here is the electron, inside the sphere, but where the hell is the sphere? Makes Heisenberg churn in his grave. So, position of the sphere is dynamic, sure. What about its size? How can that be dynamic? The closer one becomes to objectivity the larger is the size of the sphere. 

The confusion about the position of the objective truth becomes prominent as we get closer to the objective truth. The size of the sphere increases simply because we are closer to the factors and seeing things with our own eyes. It is easier to make a detached decision if we move a little away from the sphere. But as we keep moving away from the sphere the sphere becomes smaller. The smaller the sphere gets, we end up assuming that the truth lies in a smaller space and eventually, it will become a point in the graph of ‘greater scheme of things’ and now our objectivity is static and if we are lucky it will land in a space much closer to the dynamic center. But most of the times it will lie in a space skewed towards one side and there ends the existence of objectivity and all we are left with is an illusion.  

The New Triumvirate: Chaiwaala, Shehzaada and Nayak

Disclaimer: The following article might piss you off to the point of murder or it might make you wanna do fancy things to me. Either ways, I don’t really care. Amen. Also, some ‘facts’ stated below might be debatable. Again, I don’t really care.

Alright, fine! I will throw  my hat into the ring and write about the current political scene in India( like you haven’t had enough of those already! No, seriously. How jobless should you be to be reading another one of these?! Sigh). Since the Delhi Assembly Poll, every metaphor has been exhausted, every analogy wrung out to compare the three contending parties in the race for the satta.

So, one side, we have Baby Gandhi. Initially, I used to just pity that guy: ‘Haye bechaara! Usko toh lollipop chahiye thi, mummy ne de di rajgaddi!’ But after sometime, the whole bechara thing fades and you start thinking about Congress and the whole Nehru-Gandhi dynamics. Turns out, they have absolutely destroyed the country! If Nehru had kept his ego aside and his penis in his pants( He was banging Mountbatten’s wife), then the partition would have never happened. Mohandas Gandhi pleaded Nehru to let Jinnah become the first Prime Minister of the country as long as the partition stayed averted. But, Nehru Ji was this slimy son of a bitch and gave India the bloodiest civil war as he gave his speech in his Nehru Jacket that went for laundry to Switzerland. I mean, that man was confused. He was talking about welfare states and socialism and what the fuck not, and at the same time he could not let go of his elitist non sense! He gave us the China war- a Himalayan Blunder. He did not let Patel be Prime Minister which was again fucked up! Sardar Patel would have been just the thing India needed, but we got a children hating old man whose birthday is now called ‘Children’s Day’. That’s like naming Ajmal Kasab’s birthday ‘Mumbai Diwas’. Also, Nehru fucked us over when called for a plebiscite in Kashmir- this is where the problem of Kashmir started. Now, that’s just Nehru. Let’s look at his Scorpion daughter- Indira Gandhi. First up, she was NOT related to Mohandas Gandhi. For all you know, she married Feroze Gandhi just for the surname! Nehru was against the marriage of Feroze Gandhi and Indira Priyadarshini Nehru. Why? Because Feroze Gandhi was half Parsi, half Muslim. There died the secularism of the nation! After the ’71 war, she was the shizz in Indian Politics- The Only Man In The Cabinet. But, as the whole Nehru-Gandhi Family tradition goes, she fucked up there too. She’d 91,000 Pakistani soldiers after they surrendered. 91,000. That’s a lotta POWs and she could have ended the whole Kashmir issue right there, but NO! Instead of making LOC an international border, she fucked up so J.P Datta could make a movie on it! I mean, woman wtf! And of course, the Emergency. The daughter of a man who supposedly established democracy in the country did everything in her hand to destroy it! Her son Sanjay- previously known as Sanjeev- was a douche bag! He was the Sonny Corleone of this mafia and what happens to Sonny? He dies! Post Operation Blue Star and the assassination of Indira, Michael had to step in. The reluctant younger son who was just happy banging his Italian wife (Man! Another Godfather connection!) was forced to lead the force. The death of Indira brought the Sikh riots and when Rajeev was questioned about it he said: when a big tree falls, the ground shakes. Collateral fucking damage. He was talking like he was  right out of 'A Few Good Men'. A political party that was on the receiving end of Jallianwala Bagh started its own to avenge the death of a woman who almost destroyed our limping democracy. Then, the Bofors scandal and all that and then, he was assassinated.

Someone has been very naughty!

So, leaving aside the fact that Rahul Gandhi is an absolute idiot. Leaving aside the fact that he made a fool of himself in front of Arnab Goswami. Leaving aside the fact that he has no clear cut idea of how he intends to make India a better nation. Leaving aside the fact that Rahul Gandhi shadily resembles Omar Abdullah- leaving ALL that aside, we still have a man belonging to a dynasty that practically sucked our nation dry of everything that made us India. From his great granddad to his father, that family has strived to fuck our nation right in the ass. So, sure. Vote for him. Give that family another shot at raping Bharath Mata.

Okay. Arvind Kejriwal. This is what I think about him- Meh. He showed promise and then decided to go all ‘V for Vendetta’ on the government. Welfare States have always failed. Why do you think Europe is so fucked up? Everytime you give away freebies like Kejriwal is, you are just giving less incentive for people to work! He is clueless and possibly a reincarnation of Muhammed Bin Tuglaq.

Now. Modi. You have to admit it, that guy makes sense. You watch him give speeches, and you are moved by it. The 2014 mandate will give him all the power he needs and if he fucks up too, we are in deep shit peeps. Sure, there is 2002, but there was ’84 too! Narendra Modi realized one simple thing: People want to be happy. Money makes people happy. Development bring money. Ergo development bring happiness. It’s that simple. I have cousins all over Gujarat and they are as happy as pigs in mud. He does need to make a few changes here and there. Like his take on Article 377 and he should realize that people wouldn't be voting for BJP, they’d be voting for him. I am not gonna waste time with this: Modi is the only way to go. The other choices are Tuglaq and an Omar Abdullah doppleganger- All the best with that.

Hail Namo!

It’s strange. It took on Gujarati to give us freedom, took another to establish it and will take another to get it back. We have to choose between a child, an anarchist and a possible extremist and in all likelihood we will pick the extremist. Come to think of it, so did Germany in 1933. Go figure.

Dhoom 3: A Short Man's Phallic Display

First up, the director. Vijay Krishna Acharya. The last movie he directed was Tashan- a movie that had a half-naked Kareena writhing all over Saifoo darling. It was a movie SO bad, that the best thing that came off it was Dhoom 3. Yes, it’s that bad! And what’s worse, he calls himself Victor Acharya. So kewl braah!

So, a weird bald director coming to direct the third movie in a very successful franchise. How does he do it? Simple, actually. He goes to piratebay.org and downloads the latest action flicks from videsh! But, of course, that isn’t enough. You need an A list actor, macha! Shahrukh maybe? Nah! He is too busy jerking off at his reflection. Salman? Wouldn’t work unless Dhoom 3 was to be a remake of Singham 2. No. Since D3 is a rip off of so many Hollywood movies, lets take the Impossible Khan. Lets have Aamir Khan and his Napoleon Complex.

                                  This is what Wikipedia has to say about the Napoleon Complex:

"You have to be this tall to be awesomer than Aamir"

“Napoleon complex, or "short man syndrome", is a pejorative slang term describing a type of psychological phenomenon which is said to exist in people, usually men, of short stature. It is characterized by overly-aggressive or domineering social behavior, and carries the implication that such behavior is compensatory for the subjects' stature. The term is also used more generally to describe people who are driven by a perceived handicap to overcompensate in other aspects of their lives.”

Yes, Aamir Khan looks ridiculously short in the movie and of course, he has the Napoleon Syndrome. Thus, Dhoom 3 is essentially him trying to show off that he is fucking awesome. When you watch the movie, it is a solid reminder that ‘I may be well below the line of sight of Abhishek Bachan, but do you know what it takes to make awesome stunt filled, story less movies? It takes brass balls!’

You Lucky Kiran!

So, Hollywood films, Kickass villain, can we Dhoom yet? No. We need a nangi ladki! So enter Katrina Kaif. The saddest part is that there is only one nangi chokri and no bikini too. Just a strip tease and you can possibly peak at her pink bra! She comes for FOUR scenes. I counted. Also, what’s interesting is that Katrina Kaif looks a LOT like a certain actress- Kortney Kane. And you naughty chokras, don’t hit ctrl+shift+N yet! But, Katrina looks so much like Kortney and the same initials don’t help the suspicion. But that will be the topic of another article!

Kortney at the Premiere of D3

 Now that we have all the elements of a typical Dhoom, they made a movie. And our short man villain is brandishing his big cock all over the place! These are the movies that D3 is flicked from:

1)      Mission Impossible 4

The running down of Aamir from a tall building scene

2)      The Dark Knight

Aamir plays a clown. I wonder what a clown is also known as! Wait. The Joker! Hai la! Then, there are the scenes where his bike transforms into cooler stuff, like a hovercraft and all just like….The Bat Mobile! There are some scenes which remind you of The Dark Knight.

3)      The Prestige

Okay. This toh is ridiculous. The entire premise of the movie is based on this. TWO Nolan movies, why?! Thank God the movie does not end with Abhishek waking up and realizing that it was all a dream. Or was it? *The Totem Revolves*

4)      Now You See Me

This is lame too. Money flying all over the place, illusion, theft! Same old, same old.

 So what Aamir Khan was trying to say was this:

“I am Aamir Khan, I am short, but I can do roles played by Heath Ledger, Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, Tom Cruise and with a tinge of Autism, even Shahrukh Khan. Now, bow down to my elf like ears!”

He plays the double in D3

He sees what i did there!

That’s it. That is what D3 is all about. Nothing else. Music? Meh. You have Dhoom Machale all over the place, so nothing original. Cinematography is actually good. Good use of technology too. Otherwise nothing else.

What’s that you say? Abhishek Bachchan? Uday Chopra? Bwahahahaha! Okay. These buggers are just there. Like, extras. I mean, what work does Abhishek have in an Aamir orgy? But, come to think of it, the Dhoom franchise is the only thing feeding the Bachchan family. Aishwarya is busy breastfeeding, Amitabh is doing Mahabharth voice overs and so, the Dhoom franchise makes sure that there is bread and milk in the house of the Bachchans. Don’t be surprised if Dhoom 4(Oh! God! One more Dhoom movie?) has Amitabh Bachchan as the cop helping Juni B.

If you have watched enough Hollywood flicks in the last few years, D3 is really predictable! The story is kinda off simply because you never really see how Aamir steals banks and all. You just see him running- in slo-mo! Loopholes all over the place, but it’s still kinda fun.

Watch it if you wanna watch your favourite Hollywood flicks in one.

And a small note to the critic of Times of India: Did you even watch this movie? I mean, 4 stars? For what? And your review was crappier than Meena Iyer’s review of Ram-Leela. Are you sleeping with these directors? Or Aamir Khan? I mean, wtf! Some Srijana Mithra Das! Sigh.

Bollywood Song Rip Offs That Will Give You Testicular Hernia

So the Indian music industry is doing well, huh? With most singers sneezing out songs out of their nose( Thank you Reshamiya Ji) it’s a booger fest out there!  That Arjit fellow and Mithoon also loitering around. Hell! Bhansali started composing too! Priyanka started singing too- well, her songs are more striptease than anything else, but no one’s complaining.

So we could say that Indian music is going places? Maybe. But the journey so far has been tainted. Stained in the blood of some of the most epic songs from world music. These songs have been raped(sometimes gangbanged), the entrails ripped apart and replaced with a terrible Indianization that would make your insides cringe. I have wept, time and again, after knowing some of the my favourite songs are shameless rip offs! And I am not talking about a measly Pritam being ‘inspired’ from Indonesian songs. I am talking about the biggies, the legends who shread your very faith in humanity. Their plagiarism makes Yo Yo Honey Singh seem like the most creative man alive (Why! Lord Why!)

   

                                               "The Yo Yo in my name is because I have Tourette's"

I have a list here that will most likely give you testicular hernia or some sort of an aneurysm or who knows, if Dr. Greg House has it his way, even Lupus! Before my top five, here are the close contenders that wouldn’t quite make the list, but give me enough content to write about. 

  

 1) This song has to be here. It was my favourite, still is: Kya Mujhe Pyaar Hai from Woh Lamhe

     The rape victim: Tak Bisakah by Peterpan.

  As a revenge for shattering my love for this song, I ended up ratta-fying the entire Indonesian song and sing    those lyrics everytime Kya Mujhe Pyar Hai plays! Fuck you, Pritam

      

      2) All Pritam songs

              

      3) The Song: Pyar Tune Kya Kiya

   The Rape Victim: Regan’s Theme- Exorcist II- The Heretic.

Such an awesome haunting track, Sandeep Chowtha completely anal raped it! Turned it into a romantic song. Okay, fine Exorcist II pretty much sucked, yes. But the music did not deserve this. The franchise did not deserve this! Imagine Linda Blair singing ‘Christ Tune Kya Kiya’ in the middle of her exorcism. Wait, that does make sense, but still!

So here are my top five songs that make me wanna kill myself.

Number 5:

The Song: All Rajesh Roshan Songs

Rape Victim: Usually all Vangelis songs

Have you watched these crappy promo videos by random commerce forums or cultural teams about their fest? Those that start with jazzy funky colors and they blast into this blinding light with the name of the fest turning up out of the clouds- “The Fest” written in the Matrix movie font? I am sure you know what I am talking about! Other than the general incompetence that the video tells you about the organizers, what’s also common to all these videos is one band: Vangelis. So, Vangelis are like the unintentional brand ambassadors of pseudo-inspiration.

Other than being featured in “The Fest<add Matrix Font>” videos, Vangelis is also the personal mistress of this bald dude- Rajesh Roshan. He practically jizzes all over Vangelis. I mean, from Koyla to Kaho Na Pyaar Hai, just flicked off! And what’s worse, he has composed TWO songs from the same song by Vangelis-  Badan Juda Hote Hain and Tanhaai Tanhaai from Koyla have been flicked from the same song- ‘Conquest of Paradise’. Talent andre idu, macha! Rajesh Roshan, there are other bands to flick from too, you know. #justsaying.  

Number 4: 

The Song: Chura Liya Hai Tumne Jo Dil Ko

Rape Victim: If its Tuesday, It Must Be Belgium

Zeenat Aman, in that white dress, those amazing legs, the seductive eyes, swaying gently with her guitar and singing that song to you. Sigh. Dream come true. Of course, this wet dream turns to bed wetting when you realize that Rahul Dev Burman S/O Sachin Dev Burman copied a song. 

Wow. What could be worse than this? Maybe finding out that the fight sequences in WWE are all faked? Santa isn’t real? Huh? HUH?! Let’s just drink and die, the world is a cruel place. Talking of a cruel, place to live in…

Number 3:

The Song: Aye Dil Hai Mushkil Jeena Yahaan

Rape Victim:  Oh! My Darling Clementine

Wait. Wha?! I mean, this is a Guru Dutt movie! O.P Nayyar’s music. What?! But well, let’s face it. Plagiarism is as old and used as Hugh Hefner’s balls. This classic Hindi song about Mumbai is copied from another classic. But, this is Oh! My Darling Clementine, remember Huckleberry Hound crooning over this? 

This is just cruel! Very, Very cruel!

Number 2:

The Song: Dole Dole Dil Dole and Nazrein Mili Dil Dhadkan Mili

Rape Victim: Come September by Ventures

This is hilarious. One song copied into two different songs, into two different movies, by different music directors, IN THE SAME FUCKING YEAR! 

Baazi and Raja had the raped version of Come September featured in the same year.  How incestuous of these bastards!

Number 1:

The Song: Hey You! from Shahenshah

Rape Victim: Hey You! By Pink Floyd

The Wall, according to Wikipedia “tells the story of Pink, an alienated young rock star who is retreating from society and isolating himself. In "Hey You", Pink realises the mistake he made in shunning society, and attempts to regain contact with the outside world. However, he cannot see or hear beyond the wall. Pink's call becomes more and more desperate as he begins to realize there is no escape.” Yes, it’s a deep song. Very deep song.

Enter random fucks from the 80’s and they turns this legendary Pink Floyd song into this:

Rip my balls and feed them to a hungry goat from Timbuktu! What the fuck is that! Meenakshi Sheshadri gyrating like a conked up dildo in front of a relatively creepy Ambrish Puri singing HEY YOU! What is wrong with this world!   I grew up to Pink Floyd. Dark Side of The Moon, The Lunatic, Money, Another Brick In The Wall and this is what is done in this godforsaken country! I mean, FLOYD! This hurts too much. I am popping sleeping pills and waking up in the next century when none of this would matter. When the blasphemy of these bastards won’t be of any consequence. Screw you all!