Why Shahrukh? Why?!

I wanted to post this post a long time ago. I was just waiting for Ra.One to hit the screen. After it did release, I kinda forgot about this post until I came across a very interesting stimulant. The stimulant in this case is a movie that somehow- to me- points out the fall from grace of three men. The movie is Dil Se, and the men involved are, of course Mani Ratnam, A.R Rehman and Shahrukh Khan.

Mani Ratnam, as of now, has lost his way around movies with movies like Guru or Raavan(Hindi Version). Dil Se belongs to the era of Mani Ratnam movies where he was obsessed with the topics of terrorism and all that hulabaloo! Following the trend of Roja and Bombay, Dil Se is a brilliant movie. What direction?! Brilliant Shit!

Rehman! Sigh! He is all wacko now. Oscar got into his head. Rockstar is good music, but his last few movies that include Yuvraaa(aaaaaaaaa)j (read Indian Rainman), Blooooooooooooo (with a pathetic Kylie Minogue song, with Akshay Kumar aping around) are pathetic. Sad! Yuck!

Now. The Man of the Hour. No wait. The Man of the Second( I do not want to credit him with so much time) Shahrukh Khan. My Name is Khan was sad! Shitty and pointless (read THIS for more on that) and after the debacle of that movie(was that a movie at all?!), comes Ra.One. I do not know what went wrong with him! He is gorgeous in Dil Se. I loved him. But, now there ain’t no love lost between us! So what has really gone wrong with him? Let’s Analyze That:

I have always been a Shahrukh fan! Always! There isn’t one movie that I have missed. Yes, from Maaya Memsaheb to Billu! I have seen ALL his movies with a fanatical frenzy! But as years passed on, one major, major calamity took place. He met this certain individual who reminds me of another individual (who is a divine dancer- shall not tell you who that ‘other individual’ is. Read between the lines), who most certainly is gay. I am talking about Karan Johar. That was a mistake. “Pyaar sirf ek baar hota hain” was good! Not bad. A refreshment of sorts. After watching that movie, Kuch Kuch did happen! Also, I was a tiny kid and I loved Kajol! So all good! Then started a very, very annoying trend. First half of K3G was in India,Chandni Chowk! And after that, he went off! Abroad! Whooosh! And he never came back. Shahrukh Khan became a fucking firang! After THIS movie, not a single native movie has SRK made with Johar! Kal Ho Na Ho, Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna, My Name is Khan all abroad and irrelevant to the Indian audience! He became very, very distant. Johar, die.Ra.One is a movie along similar lines. Irrelevant.

Then, another annoying aspect is this: He is fucking everywhere! EVERYWHERE! Movies, he’s already there. Cricket! Yuppa! He comes off T.V with K.B.C. ( he started off on T.V, but still) Advertisements! And what bloody not?! When his movies are about to hit the screen, he ends up on your doorstep! Yes, marketing is important, but you can still do that without becoming a whore. Yes, Shahrukh Khan has become a whore. Look, he does not need to sell his movies so much. People will watch his worst movies with amazing fanaticism( Chalte Chalte, Duplicate) no matter what! He does not need to do this.

He tried becoming the Rajnikant of Bollywood! But the movie Robot proved one thing, the only person that can beat Rajnikant, is Rajnikant himself. Amitabh and Rajni saar faced a li’l comparison, but I think Rajni won that battle. And then, of late, Salman is the new Rajni and I am liking it. Sallu Bhai, tussi great ho!

I guess, Bollywood superstars cannot let go of the image they create in the audience. Amitabh should have stopped starring as a lover-boy long before he did Lal Badshah or Suryavansham. He fucked up. KBC saved his old ass! Shahrukh is falling into that trap too! He played a college grad when he was 38! The only man who can be twenty when he is fifty is Rajni Saar and Rajni is God! (and of course, Aamir Khan. Shall blog about
him some other day)

All in all, SRK! Stop. Sit back and smell the coffee. If he makes another movie like Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, I will love him again, other wise, screw you!

Hence Screwed.

Namma MTR is shitty

MTR stands for Mavalli Tiffin Room. Well, not quite. It should stand for Mavaali Tiffin Room. Mavaali- meaning a rowdy, goonda, goons- you name it. MTR is a landmark. Mumbai has Juhu beach. Kolkata has Eden Gardens. Delhi, well...ummm… let’s not talk about that godforsaken city! And similarly, we have MTR. Yeah, I as a Bangalorean was proud of MTR. Yes WAS proud of MTR. But now, it is a shit-hole.

So what’s the problem? Food is bad? Hell no! Food is as brilliant as it gets. The ambience is screwed? Nope! I love the ambience. Very retro. So what really is wrong with the place that supposedly invented the Rava Idly? (Well, now I am not too sure of if they really did invent it. Those bastards are capable of falsely claiming that too.) So now, I will tell you what’s wrong:

Firstly, they have this very, very stupid and annoying policy of ‘bottle-neck entry’. Now, what’s the policy of bottle-neck entry? If you go there on a day when the rush is less and the number of tables occupied is low, they will never immediately give you the table. They will make you wait. Suppose fifteen tables are free, and there are 10 people in the waiting room, they will allow only five and why in the name of anything that has ever been named, would they do something so stupid? It’s quite brilliant, actually. By doing this, they are ensuring that at all points of time they have a consistent crowd outside the restaurant. That way, every bloody passer-by and outsider would think that the restaurant is always full, come hail or ummm whatever comes in that idiom. This is a very nice marketing strategy, but atrociously annoying.

And, secondly! When you go to namma MTR, you should be ready to play holi, with food! Yeah, those pricks who serve you are so bloody arrogant! They serve the food on that plate by sloshing it write onto it. They take the bisibelebath out of that bucket and just splash that food on the plate and the food jumps up right on you and they are not in the least apologetic about it. They don’t smile at ya and they have this ‘we-are-like-this-only’ attitude that is a major piss off. They are in the ruddy hospitality business and the least they could do is be hospitable!

I hate MTR. Yes, I do. Arrogant bastards! Fuck you! MTR-since 1924? 1924, my ass!

You, my dear MTR are hence screwed!

Rule and Exception Paradox

Wohoo! Finally, a paradox theory!
Wokay!
Statement 1: Every rule has an exception.

Now, if Statement 1 is considered to be a rule then, Statement 1 will also have an exception and THAT exception is that There is a rule, which has no exceptions. But according to Statement 1 EVERY rule has an exception, contradicting the initial Statement 1. Thus, Statement 1 is a paradox, as Statement 1, gives rise to it's exception and that exception contradicts the veracity of Statement 1.

Hence Screwed!

Poetry, to screw your mind.

Okay! Here is a first in Jobless-Screw. Poetry. Yes, the jobless screw-head author of this blog is a poet too. So here goes:

Blood drunk over a thought surpassed;
Over the objectivity of the immaterial
has Armageddon been neigh!
When reality is personal,
and the material-subjective;
How shall man survive the chaos?

In such surreal existence,
How often does love thrive?
Love-an idea!
And thus lives an idea, in an idea!
How true is love?
Alas! We shall never know,
as nothing is real,
and I do not whine,
for in that love, do I find my reality.

A world we live in-
A world we appear to live in-
is sensed by all.
But perceived different is that world.
In the common platform of the world,
the platform is not common!
And we know, so does all eternity,
we have survived!

When the world exists in the mind
and never in material,
when the truth itself is fluid,
when time has been proved to be relative,
when the measure of a measure itself changes,
how safe is it to measure?

Do we exist?
Is reality real?
Oh! Screw it!
I shall just seemingly exist
and while sleeping or awake,
I live the dream.

The Ballad of Susanah.

“On the page it looked nothing. The beginning
simple, almost comic. Just a pulse - bassoons and basset horns -
like a rusty squeezebox. Then suddenly - high above it - an
oboe, a single note, hanging there unwavering, till a clarinet took
over and sweetened it into a phrase of such delight”

- Salieiri’s description of Mozart’s music, Amadeus.


A very passionate Atonio Salieri talks about Mozart’s music in the movie Amadeus. And here is a very passionate movie buff(me) talking about sheer brilliance. A symphony. Yes, 7 Khoon Maaf is a symphony. Ah! What a movie?!

Vishal Bharadwaj is a brilliant director. He makes a movie so pristinely written, so magically manufactured with such finesse, it makes you feel nice. After watching the movie, you would feel as warm as you would feel when you kiss the one girl of your dreams, who happens to be your reality. The warmth! Ah! The sweetness! Yes! I AM talking about the movie.

The movie is originally dark. It revels in the decadence of grey shades of every human. That is the beauty of it. It does not glorify the white; it does not denounce the black; it subtly embraces the gray!

With bare minimum dialogues given to Priyanka Chopra, Bharadwaj uses Ruskin Bond’s Susanah and creates a protagonist who remains a protagonist throughout the film. Never once in the movie would you hate Priyanka Chopra. You quietly accept the happenings of the film and just watch the magic unravel. It’s really sexy to watch that happen.

Vivaan Shah. If he is the future of Bollywood, then the future will be a legend. He can act. He can act very well. He is so convincing as the smitten teenager, that you will fall in love with him. I’d go gay for him(figuratively). It’s delightful to watch him. Amazing casting sense features throughout the movie.

Neil Nitin Mukesh is fierce and ideal for the first husband. He just fits. John Abraham is watchable, but he’d do a better job showing of part of his derrière on the beaches of Miami than a drug crazed, cross-dresser. Irfan Khan is a poem unto himself. He smile at whatever he does and you smile a big one here. Anu Kapoor is fun to watch. He brings back memories of his role from Darr and they are all pleasant memories. The Russian dude is good. Nicely, neatly done. Naseeruddin is ethereal. He comes in for a short part, but you believe him as the Modhu-da and here is the best part: RUSKIN BOND IS IN THE MOVIE! Yup! I ended up shouting in the theatre, pointing at the screen and yelling “BOND! RUSKIN BOND!” and that is the brilliance of this movie. Bharadwaj gets Bond to play a role in his own book! You will only smile at such a thing!

The ending of the movie is mind-blowing. You will realise the magnitude of the ending after a few minutes and you will go high! VERY HIGH! Well, I did! The last five minutes of the movie, you keep guessing what the ending would be and trust me, you will guess wrong! I didn’t stop smiling for half an hour after the movie.

After all this, you would ask why the movie tanked. Well, Vishal Bharadwaj IS an intelligent director, but he made one gross error. He assumed that the Indian Audience is Intelligent too! One BIG error. Throughout the movie, there is no single scene where there is a date or time or year coming up on screen. He does not explicitly give the timeline. He gives the timeline using real life incidences, like Operation BluesStar. Babri Masjid. The Kabul Plane Hijack. 26/11. There many such instances in the movie where he forgot that the audience is after all stupid. Bourgeois.

Thus the Indian Audience is, Hence Screwed.

The Screwed Up Paradox

Read the following conversation:

Girl: You are the world to me.
Boy(Smiles): Umm.. ah
Girl(Smiles): What?
Boy: Nothing. I tried saying something romantic, but I guess, I have nothing and I will just smile.

Now this may seem like a normal lovey-dovey talk between a guy and a girl. But observe carefully the following statement: Nothing. I tried saying something romantic, but I guess, I have nothing and I will just smile.

This statement is an analytical gold mine. See, the guy is saying that he has nothing romantic to say. So he is negating the existence of a romantic statement. But there exists a paradox and that is, that the statement he made IS romantic! The statement in its entirety means that there is nothing romantic. But the existence of the statement is in itself romantic.

So this statement is an unromantic statement and romantic statement at the same time. A Paradox. And i guess, this paradox has to have a word for it. Since, i came up with it, The Brunzo Paradox seems logical. But, I am a very modest person and I shall not take such an honour and I will name it "The Screwed-Up Paradox"

QED, Or wait it is "Hence Screwed"

My Name is Johar. And I am Not a director.

Filmfare. Seriously! Best Director to Karan Johar? How did this disaster happen? WHAT COSMIC KARMA CAUSED SUCH AN OCCURRENCE? Was it that weirdly named Ophiuhecai-blah-blah thirteenth zodiac?

Now, seriously. What was in that movie? It had Shahrukh Khan, America, Kajol, America, a very boxer look alike Obama, America, Good acting, America, AMERICA, AMERICA, AMERICA! Wait? What happened to the movie? The story? I see only AMERICA!

Karan Johar is not a director. He is a tourist guide. A tourist guide to the magical land of the United States of America and Filmfare awards him Best Director. So what really happened to the ACTUAL directors in Bollywood? I will tell you what happened. THEY MADE MOVIES! That was their fault. To win a Filmfare, make a documentary on becoming a faithful citizen of United States of America, show a Dustin Hoffman-esque autistic protagonist( Rainman) telling everyone that he is not a terrorist, running ALL over USA and meeting a very funny looking, boxer Obama.

The movie is a bloody farce and it’s so BORING! You know, sometimes I wish that the Shiv Sena would have succeeded in stopping the screening of this dumb movie!

Karan Johar should just gay up and host shows, drink coffee and go away to his motherland, USA. Dumb movie. Dumb Filmfare.

Why I Hate No One Killed Jessica

Aaaaarrrrrrgh! It cost my dad Rs.160. Yes, One Hundred and Sixty Indian rupees, per ticket, to watch No One Killed Jessica. I want that cash back. Imagine what one could do with that 160 bucks? My mobile currency! Ah! I could have it on my cell phone! Mcd! Yeah! I could eat LOADS at Mcd! I can have sixteen plates of chilli bhajjis. Sixteen! But nope. I watched No One Killed Jessica. I mean, what was Rajkumar Gupta thinking? Aamir was a bloody masterpiece (I want Rajeev Khandelwal back on the BIG screen!) and then he makes a confused docu-drama! Here is what I hate about the movie:

1. Well, for starters, it cost me 160 bucks. Watching movies should be made a LOT cheaper. No wonder the piracy scene in India is so strong. Free Movie on your Laptop vs 160 buck down the drain over pointless movies like No One Killed Jessica. You choose!

2. Vidya Balan was wasted. After Paa and Ishqiya, comes the bloody sadness of this SHITTY movie! There are two scenes where she takes the goddamn cake! Once, when she is in the ambulance and she says Jessica is dead. And the second, when she goes to the terrace and screams! Two scenes. The rest is just waste of talent.

3. Rani Mukherjee. I have one thing to say to her. Go. Die. Jump off a cliff or get hit by a train or take asylum is Bangladesh! Go away! WHAT WAS SHE DOING IN THE MOVIE??! God! She is a foul-mouthing twit! Such feigned arrogance. That STUPID attitude! Gah! She has forgotten to act and that over the top bitchy female she portrays is so annoying! I would rather have her killed than Jessica! I don’t know who I was supposed to be angry at, Jessica’s Killer or HER! Vidya Balan would have done a better job as the journo! Shoo away Rani! Go act in Bangladeshi movies! Shoo!

4. A corrupt social structure. A corrupt system. An unjust Judiciary. People-The Victim. OOOOOOO! Very original! Like I haven’t seen enough of it! Yuppa! That movie BORED ME! It was more boring than Jodha-Akbar. Yes, I had rather watch that movie again! No One Killed Jessica didn’t surprise me. It didn’t emote to me. I did NOT feel angry (except, at RANI! I hate you Rani). A dead movie!

5. Amit Trivedi’s music was under-played. He is so talented. His music was racier than what the movie could dream to be.

Ultimately, UTV SpotBoy. I want my money BACK! Or I will end up downloading ALL your movies and sell ‘em for twenty bucks. After eight movies of yours, WE WILL BE EVEN!

P.S: I did not italicize No One Killed Jessica. Not worth MY italicizing!

Q.E.D