Jab Tak Hain Jaan screwed!

This, according to me is the worst phase of Bollywod since Salman Khan's Saaawan. With movies like Son of Sardar, Khiladi 786 it can't get worse and JTHJ is a li'l hope in that flimsy phase. Li'l. Very li'l! 

Yes yes, this was Yash Raj’s last movie and all so all critics have gone soft on this movie. Sigh! I don’t have to. So there! This movie is only one thing. Shahrukh Khan. The others? What others? Seriously! Anushka Sharma is so ridiculously jumpy you might wanna sedate her and get her raped by the Russian Mob. Then she might shut up. Katrina. Hahaha! You know, Salman should go watch this movie. He will punch Shahrukh everytime he kisses her! Shahrukh is visibly horny with Katrina around! Sigh! The man popped his cherry, finally!

So, the movie. Yes. It’s a good movie. But so so so tiring! The last good Yash Raj directed movie was Dil Toh Pagal Hain. Veer-Zaara? Sorry, that’s not a Hindi movie. It’s a lullaby in Punjabi with half the dialogues in Punjabi! No offense, but I don’t understand Punjabi and never a boring one, at that! So, DTPH was the last good movie and this one does not even come close to that. This movie is a culmination of everything Bollywood. There is the Rich Kudi, the Vagabond Munda, the Loving Father(who comes for two scenes), God( Yes, there always HAS to be God playing around), the amnesia,  the action, the masala, the drama and of course, the Half-Naked young devotchka in the form of Anushka Sharma who somehow has to go out of her clothes in the cold of Kashmir. So very Yash Chopra. The man is always clad in heavy coats, while the woman has to be naked in the snow. Sexist. But hot!

The story is too random, okay? So let’s not talk about it. There is London somewhere, some li’l bit of Ladakh and no Switzerland! The movie is all the way SRK. He has done a real good job and carries the movie on his own shoulder. But the problem with the movie is that it LOOKS like a movie. Too unreal. Too celluloid. In the age of reality TV shows, we’d want more reality than what this movie gives.

Now, finally the music. First up, A.R Rehman is the most selfish music director in the history of music. Gone are the days when the singer selected was FOR the actor on whom it is pictured. How in the name of lord does SRK sound like Rabbi Shergill? And it gets worse during Ishq-Shava! Rehman is not thinking in terms of the movie Jab Tak Hain Jaan, but the Album- Jab Tak Hain Jaan. Maybe, this way he is giving more power in the hands of the music makers than the movie makers, but in terms of a film, failed songs. Sorry. Good as an Album, bad as the OST of Jab Tak Hain Jaan. Finally, watch it to get the thrill of it all. Decent shit.

Hence Screwed!     

Barfi The Murphy!

This movie is a lot. It’s something that tears the fourth wall of the screen and lands on your face as a shameless smile. It heralds itself with the song “Ho Gayi Pichur Shuru”, announcing that the movie is starting, so shut the hell up and watch it with your “mobiles and kids switched off”. Yes, the song ACTUALLY asks you to do that. It’s like you are watching a Shakespearan play with the narrator asking you to shut the fuck up. You begin with a smile that wears off only when you leave the theatre. Nay! Nay! A thousand times nay! I am writing this and I’m still smiling. Then, comes utter silence as the screen turns into a portrait. Yes, from Shakespeare, Anurag Basu jumps to being a Monet, as he shows us such a view of Darjeeling that would make you want to live in his head! Writer to a fucking painter. In just one bloody frame. Son of a gun!

The movie is Ranbir Kapoor’s smile. The movie is Ranbir Kapoor’s frown. The movie is every emotion that the eyes of Mr. Ranbir Raj Kapoor emote. Duuude! If Rockstar was only Ranbir’s character, then Barfi is a kaleidoscope of myriad dreams and Ranbir is one such dream. He does not take over the movie, nor does he leave it. But we know, without him it just wouldn’t be the same. With the only dialogue being a bark that somehow goes ‘Barfi!’, Ranbir passes onto the next level of acting.

Throughout the movie, you cannot quit smiling. At times you laugh at the Chaplinism of the movie, at times, you cringe as Priyanka Chopra clings on to Barfi’s pinky finger and sleeps! At times, you wanna cry. Yet.. Yet.. You do not stop smiling! What the hell? Not cool, bro! Not cool! One cannot make a movie where you only smile. In the age of surrealism, existentialism, Batman-ism and sleazy, porn-star- turned-actor-ism, it’s just plain wrong to make a simple movie with such care!

You can feel the effort emanating from the screen. Every shot beautifully painted. Yes. Painted. Has to be. Every narration sweetly ordained. It’s just sheer orgasmic pleasure of the beautiful kind, when you see imagination come to terms with reality, delivered with such delicacy. Wow!

The movie definitely has certain western movie influences. Like the out of the blue orchestra that plays the background score perched up in unlikely places. The music. Pritam Bhaiyya, I cannot believe you did this. If you haven’t flicked the music, then you are gifted with true art. And if you HAVE flicked this, then you have good taste! How in the name of lord did he come up with such music? The music is so perfect it somehow fills the void of dialogues and you never notice the lack of dialogues.  

And then, finally. Priyanka Chopra. Shahrukh, learn something from her. THIS is called autism. I think Karan Johar should remake ‘My Name is Khan’ as ‘My Name is Chopra’. Kareena, with your sleazy ‘Heroine’ coming up, you cannot even dream to match up to this woman. First of all it’s a movie by Madur Bhandarkar. And secondly, you cannot act. Priyanka. Yes, she knows what acting is! And come to think of it, Kareena and Priyanka are considered to be rivals. I am sorry Bebo. The biggest achievement you will ever have in your life would be sleeping with the Nawab of Pataudi! I am not gonna insult Priyanka’s performance by commenting on it. Just go watch.

Illeana is there somewhere in the movie. Just there.

And now, the plot. So simple. So nice. But somehow, it touches you and not in the dirty way! It shows how love is- Unconditional. The truth of life does not taste bitter if you do not know what sweet is. The bitter IS your sweet. And that’s what the movie shows. When you try and measure up love, you are bound to lose everything you have because love does not make sense and the minute it does, it’s not love anymore.

Make one more good movie, and I shall forgive you for ‘Kites’, Anurag Basu. As of now, respect. Plain ol’ respect to you! 

Kapil Sibal is right, but....

Kapil Sibal is right. Yup! A few weeks back, his idea of internet censorship did receive some flak from many netizens, including me. But, after having seen a few things on Facebook and the likes, I have realised that Sibal was afterall, right! Now, do read on. Don’t stop reading just here. You will see my point and of you don’t, screw you! Ha ha! Kidding! Read on.

Now, if we really do look at the situation, we would realize that India is a precariously secular nation. Precarious being the keyword! It’s shaky, almost a pseudo but just not. It reminds me of French movie I saw called ‘Wages of Fear’, where some men are supposed to take truckloads of unstable nitro-glycerin across some mountainous, bad shaped roads. A single shake and KABOOM! We are pretty much in the same situation. Everyone’s touchy about their beliefs, religion and what not!

And in such a silly, yet un-ignorable state-of-affairs one random dumbass posts something very intimidating on a social networking portal. On Christmas, some smartass posts some shit about Christ not being a ‘lord’ and similar stuff. Also, some wise-crack makes light of many such religious issues! Yes, I have read ‘Templar Revelations’ too, but keep the intellectuality on such issues right up your derriere! This is not the west, where one can get away with a spoof on some God and laugh it off!

Turning Facebook into a religious propaganda platform is not a good idea! In India, people get offended by the slightest! Believe in your beliefs. Stay true to your religion. But don’t spam it on everyone’s walls! Claiming your religion is the best doesn’t lead you anywhere. It just spawns pointless ‘Hate’ groups. The idea of democracy which the internet seems to uphold, get’s brutally fucked. The freedom of speech? Agreed. To retort to that, there is this line in this movie called ‘Garam Hawaa’, which is a movie by M. S. Sathyu, based on an unpublished Urdu short story by Ismat Chughtai. The movie is about India, post-independence. There is an amazing line, where some guy says ‘Sab log Azaadi ka apna apna matlab nikaal rahe hain’ (Everyone is interpreting freedom in their own way).

‘Ignore’ or ‘Block’ is what I would be asked to do. But not everyone would turn away! Hence, Sibal was actually right! Censorship should help.
But- and this is a Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggg BUT- here is the thing Mr.Sibal. We don’t trust you. We are a generation fed on Hollywood movies that believes, that the Government Lies. ‘1984’ is our bible! Maybe not everyone’s read 1984, but still ‘We cannot trust you’! We cannot trust you with anything. In the name of censorship, you could kill our voice! I mean, many times, I want to say shit about YOU and the Government you are a part of! And you could very well strangle us!

There is no sense of unity that you Government give us. The only good thing is that you give us a common enemy. You. And hence, we are united. It’s a choice between being responsible with our voice and losing it. Hard choice? I
f it is, then guys we are,
Hence Screwed!