Dhoom 3: A Short Man's Phallic Display

First up, the director. Vijay Krishna Acharya. The last movie he directed was Tashan- a movie that had a half-naked Kareena writhing all over Saifoo darling. It was a movie SO bad, that the best thing that came off it was Dhoom 3. Yes, it’s that bad! And what’s worse, he calls himself Victor Acharya. So kewl braah!

So, a weird bald director coming to direct the third movie in a very successful franchise. How does he do it? Simple, actually. He goes to piratebay.org and downloads the latest action flicks from videsh! But, of course, that isn’t enough. You need an A list actor, macha! Shahrukh maybe? Nah! He is too busy jerking off at his reflection. Salman? Wouldn’t work unless Dhoom 3 was to be a remake of Singham 2. No. Since D3 is a rip off of so many Hollywood movies, lets take the Impossible Khan. Lets have Aamir Khan and his Napoleon Complex.

                                  This is what Wikipedia has to say about the Napoleon Complex:

"You have to be this tall to be awesomer than Aamir"

“Napoleon complex, or "short man syndrome", is a pejorative slang term describing a type of psychological phenomenon which is said to exist in people, usually men, of short stature. It is characterized by overly-aggressive or domineering social behavior, and carries the implication that such behavior is compensatory for the subjects' stature. The term is also used more generally to describe people who are driven by a perceived handicap to overcompensate in other aspects of their lives.”

Yes, Aamir Khan looks ridiculously short in the movie and of course, he has the Napoleon Syndrome. Thus, Dhoom 3 is essentially him trying to show off that he is fucking awesome. When you watch the movie, it is a solid reminder that ‘I may be well below the line of sight of Abhishek Bachan, but do you know what it takes to make awesome stunt filled, story less movies? It takes brass balls!’

You Lucky Kiran!

So, Hollywood films, Kickass villain, can we Dhoom yet? No. We need a nangi ladki! So enter Katrina Kaif. The saddest part is that there is only one nangi chokri and no bikini too. Just a strip tease and you can possibly peak at her pink bra! She comes for FOUR scenes. I counted. Also, what’s interesting is that Katrina Kaif looks a LOT like a certain actress- Kortney Kane. And you naughty chokras, don’t hit ctrl+shift+N yet! But, Katrina looks so much like Kortney and the same initials don’t help the suspicion. But that will be the topic of another article!

Kortney at the Premiere of D3

 Now that we have all the elements of a typical Dhoom, they made a movie. And our short man villain is brandishing his big cock all over the place! These are the movies that D3 is flicked from:

1)      Mission Impossible 4

The running down of Aamir from a tall building scene

2)      The Dark Knight

Aamir plays a clown. I wonder what a clown is also known as! Wait. The Joker! Hai la! Then, there are the scenes where his bike transforms into cooler stuff, like a hovercraft and all just like….The Bat Mobile! There are some scenes which remind you of The Dark Knight.

3)      The Prestige

Okay. This toh is ridiculous. The entire premise of the movie is based on this. TWO Nolan movies, why?! Thank God the movie does not end with Abhishek waking up and realizing that it was all a dream. Or was it? *The Totem Revolves*

4)      Now You See Me

This is lame too. Money flying all over the place, illusion, theft! Same old, same old.

 So what Aamir Khan was trying to say was this:

“I am Aamir Khan, I am short, but I can do roles played by Heath Ledger, Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, Tom Cruise and with a tinge of Autism, even Shahrukh Khan. Now, bow down to my elf like ears!”

He plays the double in D3

He sees what i did there!

That’s it. That is what D3 is all about. Nothing else. Music? Meh. You have Dhoom Machale all over the place, so nothing original. Cinematography is actually good. Good use of technology too. Otherwise nothing else.

What’s that you say? Abhishek Bachchan? Uday Chopra? Bwahahahaha! Okay. These buggers are just there. Like, extras. I mean, what work does Abhishek have in an Aamir orgy? But, come to think of it, the Dhoom franchise is the only thing feeding the Bachchan family. Aishwarya is busy breastfeeding, Amitabh is doing Mahabharth voice overs and so, the Dhoom franchise makes sure that there is bread and milk in the house of the Bachchans. Don’t be surprised if Dhoom 4(Oh! God! One more Dhoom movie?) has Amitabh Bachchan as the cop helping Juni B.

If you have watched enough Hollywood flicks in the last few years, D3 is really predictable! The story is kinda off simply because you never really see how Aamir steals banks and all. You just see him running- in slo-mo! Loopholes all over the place, but it’s still kinda fun.

Watch it if you wanna watch your favourite Hollywood flicks in one.

And a small note to the critic of Times of India: Did you even watch this movie? I mean, 4 stars? For what? And your review was crappier than Meena Iyer’s review of Ram-Leela. Are you sleeping with these directors? Or Aamir Khan? I mean, wtf! Some Srijana Mithra Das! Sigh.

Bollywood Song Rip Offs That Will Give You Testicular Hernia

So the Indian music industry is doing well, huh? With most singers sneezing out songs out of their nose( Thank you Reshamiya Ji) it’s a booger fest out there!  That Arjit fellow and Mithoon also loitering around. Hell! Bhansali started composing too! Priyanka started singing too- well, her songs are more striptease than anything else, but no one’s complaining.

So we could say that Indian music is going places? Maybe. But the journey so far has been tainted. Stained in the blood of some of the most epic songs from world music. These songs have been raped(sometimes gangbanged), the entrails ripped apart and replaced with a terrible Indianization that would make your insides cringe. I have wept, time and again, after knowing some of the my favourite songs are shameless rip offs! And I am not talking about a measly Pritam being ‘inspired’ from Indonesian songs. I am talking about the biggies, the legends who shread your very faith in humanity. Their plagiarism makes Yo Yo Honey Singh seem like the most creative man alive (Why! Lord Why!)

   

                                               "The Yo Yo in my name is because I have Tourette's"

I have a list here that will most likely give you testicular hernia or some sort of an aneurysm or who knows, if Dr. Greg House has it his way, even Lupus! Before my top five, here are the close contenders that wouldn’t quite make the list, but give me enough content to write about. 

  

 1) This song has to be here. It was my favourite, still is: Kya Mujhe Pyaar Hai from Woh Lamhe

     The rape victim: Tak Bisakah by Peterpan.

  As a revenge for shattering my love for this song, I ended up ratta-fying the entire Indonesian song and sing    those lyrics everytime Kya Mujhe Pyar Hai plays! Fuck you, Pritam

      

      2) All Pritam songs

              

      3) The Song: Pyar Tune Kya Kiya

   The Rape Victim: Regan’s Theme- Exorcist II- The Heretic.

Such an awesome haunting track, Sandeep Chowtha completely anal raped it! Turned it into a romantic song. Okay, fine Exorcist II pretty much sucked, yes. But the music did not deserve this. The franchise did not deserve this! Imagine Linda Blair singing ‘Christ Tune Kya Kiya’ in the middle of her exorcism. Wait, that does make sense, but still!

So here are my top five songs that make me wanna kill myself.

Number 5:

The Song: All Rajesh Roshan Songs

Rape Victim: Usually all Vangelis songs

Have you watched these crappy promo videos by random commerce forums or cultural teams about their fest? Those that start with jazzy funky colors and they blast into this blinding light with the name of the fest turning up out of the clouds- “The Fest” written in the Matrix movie font? I am sure you know what I am talking about! Other than the general incompetence that the video tells you about the organizers, what’s also common to all these videos is one band: Vangelis. So, Vangelis are like the unintentional brand ambassadors of pseudo-inspiration.

Other than being featured in “The Fest<add Matrix Font>” videos, Vangelis is also the personal mistress of this bald dude- Rajesh Roshan. He practically jizzes all over Vangelis. I mean, from Koyla to Kaho Na Pyaar Hai, just flicked off! And what’s worse, he has composed TWO songs from the same song by Vangelis-  Badan Juda Hote Hain and Tanhaai Tanhaai from Koyla have been flicked from the same song- ‘Conquest of Paradise’. Talent andre idu, macha! Rajesh Roshan, there are other bands to flick from too, you know. #justsaying.  

Number 4: 

The Song: Chura Liya Hai Tumne Jo Dil Ko

Rape Victim: If its Tuesday, It Must Be Belgium

Zeenat Aman, in that white dress, those amazing legs, the seductive eyes, swaying gently with her guitar and singing that song to you. Sigh. Dream come true. Of course, this wet dream turns to bed wetting when you realize that Rahul Dev Burman S/O Sachin Dev Burman copied a song. 

Wow. What could be worse than this? Maybe finding out that the fight sequences in WWE are all faked? Santa isn’t real? Huh? HUH?! Let’s just drink and die, the world is a cruel place. Talking of a cruel, place to live in…

Number 3:

The Song: Aye Dil Hai Mushkil Jeena Yahaan

Rape Victim:  Oh! My Darling Clementine

Wait. Wha?! I mean, this is a Guru Dutt movie! O.P Nayyar’s music. What?! But well, let’s face it. Plagiarism is as old and used as Hugh Hefner’s balls. This classic Hindi song about Mumbai is copied from another classic. But, this is Oh! My Darling Clementine, remember Huckleberry Hound crooning over this? 

This is just cruel! Very, Very cruel!

Number 2:

The Song: Dole Dole Dil Dole and Nazrein Mili Dil Dhadkan Mili

Rape Victim: Come September by Ventures

This is hilarious. One song copied into two different songs, into two different movies, by different music directors, IN THE SAME FUCKING YEAR! 

Baazi and Raja had the raped version of Come September featured in the same year.  How incestuous of these bastards!

Number 1:

The Song: Hey You! from Shahenshah

Rape Victim: Hey You! By Pink Floyd

The Wall, according to Wikipedia “tells the story of Pink, an alienated young rock star who is retreating from society and isolating himself. In "Hey You", Pink realises the mistake he made in shunning society, and attempts to regain contact with the outside world. However, he cannot see or hear beyond the wall. Pink's call becomes more and more desperate as he begins to realize there is no escape.” Yes, it’s a deep song. Very deep song.

Enter random fucks from the 80’s and they turns this legendary Pink Floyd song into this:

Rip my balls and feed them to a hungry goat from Timbuktu! What the fuck is that! Meenakshi Sheshadri gyrating like a conked up dildo in front of a relatively creepy Ambrish Puri singing HEY YOU! What is wrong with this world!   I grew up to Pink Floyd. Dark Side of The Moon, The Lunatic, Money, Another Brick In The Wall and this is what is done in this godforsaken country! I mean, FLOYD! This hurts too much. I am popping sleeping pills and waking up in the next century when none of this would matter. When the blasphemy of these bastards won’t be of any consequence. Screw you all!