Dhoom 3: A Short Man's Phallic Display

First up, the director. Vijay Krishna Acharya. The last movie he directed was Tashan- a movie that had a half-naked Kareena writhing all over Saifoo darling. It was a movie SO bad, that the best thing that came off it was Dhoom 3. Yes, it’s that bad! And what’s worse, he calls himself Victor Acharya. So kewl braah!

So, a weird bald director coming to direct the third movie in a very successful franchise. How does he do it? Simple, actually. He goes to piratebay.org and downloads the latest action flicks from videsh! But, of course, that isn’t enough. You need an A list actor, macha! Shahrukh maybe? Nah! He is too busy jerking off at his reflection. Salman? Wouldn’t work unless Dhoom 3 was to be a remake of Singham 2. No. Since D3 is a rip off of so many Hollywood movies, lets take the Impossible Khan. Lets have Aamir Khan and his Napoleon Complex.

                                  This is what Wikipedia has to say about the Napoleon Complex:

"You have to be this tall to be awesomer than Aamir"

“Napoleon complex, or "short man syndrome", is a pejorative slang term describing a type of psychological phenomenon which is said to exist in people, usually men, of short stature. It is characterized by overly-aggressive or domineering social behavior, and carries the implication that such behavior is compensatory for the subjects' stature. The term is also used more generally to describe people who are driven by a perceived handicap to overcompensate in other aspects of their lives.”

Yes, Aamir Khan looks ridiculously short in the movie and of course, he has the Napoleon Syndrome. Thus, Dhoom 3 is essentially him trying to show off that he is fucking awesome. When you watch the movie, it is a solid reminder that ‘I may be well below the line of sight of Abhishek Bachan, but do you know what it takes to make awesome stunt filled, story less movies? It takes brass balls!’

You Lucky Kiran!

So, Hollywood films, Kickass villain, can we Dhoom yet? No. We need a nangi ladki! So enter Katrina Kaif. The saddest part is that there is only one nangi chokri and no bikini too. Just a strip tease and you can possibly peak at her pink bra! She comes for FOUR scenes. I counted. Also, what’s interesting is that Katrina Kaif looks a LOT like a certain actress- Kortney Kane. And you naughty chokras, don’t hit ctrl+shift+N yet! But, Katrina looks so much like Kortney and the same initials don’t help the suspicion. But that will be the topic of another article!

Kortney at the Premiere of D3

 Now that we have all the elements of a typical Dhoom, they made a movie. And our short man villain is brandishing his big cock all over the place! These are the movies that D3 is flicked from:

1)      Mission Impossible 4

The running down of Aamir from a tall building scene

2)      The Dark Knight

Aamir plays a clown. I wonder what a clown is also known as! Wait. The Joker! Hai la! Then, there are the scenes where his bike transforms into cooler stuff, like a hovercraft and all just like….The Bat Mobile! There are some scenes which remind you of The Dark Knight.

3)      The Prestige

Okay. This toh is ridiculous. The entire premise of the movie is based on this. TWO Nolan movies, why?! Thank God the movie does not end with Abhishek waking up and realizing that it was all a dream. Or was it? *The Totem Revolves*

4)      Now You See Me

This is lame too. Money flying all over the place, illusion, theft! Same old, same old.

 So what Aamir Khan was trying to say was this:

“I am Aamir Khan, I am short, but I can do roles played by Heath Ledger, Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, Tom Cruise and with a tinge of Autism, even Shahrukh Khan. Now, bow down to my elf like ears!”

He plays the double in D3

He sees what i did there!

That’s it. That is what D3 is all about. Nothing else. Music? Meh. You have Dhoom Machale all over the place, so nothing original. Cinematography is actually good. Good use of technology too. Otherwise nothing else.

What’s that you say? Abhishek Bachchan? Uday Chopra? Bwahahahaha! Okay. These buggers are just there. Like, extras. I mean, what work does Abhishek have in an Aamir orgy? But, come to think of it, the Dhoom franchise is the only thing feeding the Bachchan family. Aishwarya is busy breastfeeding, Amitabh is doing Mahabharth voice overs and so, the Dhoom franchise makes sure that there is bread and milk in the house of the Bachchans. Don’t be surprised if Dhoom 4(Oh! God! One more Dhoom movie?) has Amitabh Bachchan as the cop helping Juni B.

If you have watched enough Hollywood flicks in the last few years, D3 is really predictable! The story is kinda off simply because you never really see how Aamir steals banks and all. You just see him running- in slo-mo! Loopholes all over the place, but it’s still kinda fun.

Watch it if you wanna watch your favourite Hollywood flicks in one.

And a small note to the critic of Times of India: Did you even watch this movie? I mean, 4 stars? For what? And your review was crappier than Meena Iyer’s review of Ram-Leela. Are you sleeping with these directors? Or Aamir Khan? I mean, wtf! Some Srijana Mithra Das! Sigh.